Quadrants
by altertalian-doodle
Summary: Ivan is just your Kismesis. You don't hold any flushed feelings towards him... Right? Hetastuck! AU


This is what happens when you read too much Homestuck in one sitting. I need help

I'm not keeping Homestuck's troll model. They'll still have basic features like weird blood and horns, but their skin will be white.

Alternia + Hetalia= Altalia

Underline is the action thing, because I can't do the arrow.

Disclaimer: Heru no, I haven't broken any 4th walls yet... So I'm not Hussie, at least...

* * *

Your name is Alfred F. Jones, and the 'F' stands for 'fucking awesome'.

You are a troll living on the planet of Altalia. You live in a hive with your lusus, who goes by the name of Tony. You have blonde hair and blue eyes, and horns similar to a bison's, whatever that is. You enjoy playing video games with your lusus and eating a certain troll delicacy called a hamburger.

You have a Kismesis by the name of Ivan Braginsky. He is your fucking arch enemy and you will probably push him off a cliff if the chance is given.

... Your fellow troll Arthur hits you on the head and then proceeds to describe that one time he caught you two making out in a closet. In great detail.

First of all, you believe that his Moirail-sort-of thing, Francis, is rubbing off on him. Second, he's totally lying because Ivan is a little shit and there is no way in hell that you like him.

Yeah, you definitely don't like him. Hell no. You obviously didn't freak out when Feliks 'accidentally' cut his neck with a razor.

... Ok, screw the F because you're currently suffering from an emotional crisis and that's really stupid. You need to go punch something.

Punch the wall

You punch the wall, and the wall breaks because you forgot about your freaky superstrength.

Fuck. There goes part of your hive and some of your Marvel posters.

So you decide to go beat the fuck out of your Kismesis. It's his fault that you're acting like this anyway.

You captchalogue your baseball bat into your Strife Specibus. Just in case he's waiting with his pipe.

Be the other troll

Your name is Ivan Braginsky, and you live in the colder part of Altalia with your equally cold lusus, who you call Winter. You have violet eyes and the pale blond hair that runs in your bloodline. You are also suffering from mixed feelings, because you definitely don't like your Kismesis.

Observe room

In your room is your Recuperacoon, filled with slime that help numb the dark thoughts of your species. Your bloodline tends to have more of these thoughts, so you submerge yourself into this slime more often than your fellow trolls.

Other than that, you have laptop sitting on your desk and a few bottles of a troll beverage called vodka from the last time Raivis came over. Seriously, he needs to stop drinking that stuff.

Taste vodka

You unscrew the cap off a bottle, and take an experimental sniff. It smells like if hell burned over. You take a sip.

BLEH!

Just kidding, it's actually sort of okay. And it makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside, that's cool. It helps distract you from thoughts about Alfred. Which reminds you, you should troll your moirail about him later.

Alfred: Burst through the door like someone from an action movie

You attempt to do so and bounce off. You resort to kicking the door until it either breaks or someone lets you in.

Ivan: Investigate the discord

You captchalogue your lead pipe. Who knows what's out there. You also consider the AK-47 you have in the corner, but then decide against it. There's no need to screw up your hive.

Be the perpetrator of discord

You finally burst through the door and make your way to wherever the fuck your fucking commie Kismesis is. Before somebody behind you slams a bucket on your hear.

A bucket. Also known as a pail, the resource of reproduction for your kind. You begin to flip the fuck out and scream in a totally manly way.

"Keßeßeße..."

"gILBĒRT WHĀT THĒ FĀK IS THIS FUCKĒRY OH MY GOD."

Well, at least you know who it is now. Though you have no fucking idea why he's in the commie's hive.

"What the- hФLY JEGuS GET THДT ФUT ФF MY HIVE WHДT THE FUCk."

"ĀCK dUDE HēLP MĒ I CĀN'T SĒĒ ĀNYTHING-"

"hELL NФ I'M NФT TФUCHING THДT THERE IS NФ WДY I'M HДVING WIGGLERS WITH YФU ФH MY GФD HФLY FUCKING PIECE ФF SHIT JEGUS."

Be the bucket guy

You are now Gilbert Beilschmidt and laughing your ass off at the reactions of the two Kismeses. Alfred is running around like a headless chicken, whatever that is, and Ivan is backed up against the wall with a death grip on his pipe. He looks paler than he already is, if that's even possible. Oh wait, no, he's blushing too. You see a purpley tint in his cheeks.

Eventually Alfred gets the bucket off his head and he throws it at your face. You think you should haul ass now.

Be the guy who was bucketed

You believe you now have mental scarring from the bucket thing. The godforsaken piece of metal is sitting in the middle of the room, and neither you or your Kismesis is willing to touch it. Though...

"Did you just refuse to hāvē kids with mē?"

Ivan blushes a deeper shade of violet. It's kind of cute, now that you think about it... You totally didn't. "Whдt else dф yфu dф with д bucket?"

Oh god. Your face is probably flushed blue by now. "Throw it āround?"

The two of you kind of just sit around like dorks. You don't want to touch the bucket, and neither does Ivan. So you just huddle in the corner, waiting for it to disappear or something. While admiring Ivan's ram horns, whatever the hell a ram is.

Your Kismesis-thing gets up and prods the bucket with his pipe. "Sф whдt dф we dф with this?"

"Cān't you gēt your lusus to throw it out?"

"... I guess..."

Ivan is actually pretty nice when you two aren't beating the shit out of each other. "I think wē should gēt ān Āuspistice... I, uh, kindā likē you."

He stands there with his scarf covering his face."We shфuld..."

A few minutes later his cold humanoid lusus throws out the bucket, and you cuddle with him on the couch.

* * *

"Rooßter L'Amour, thiß iß Aweßome Eagle. Operation ßuceßßful."

"They âré togéthér now?"

"Toriß iß the Außpißtice... I pity him."

"Honhonhon... I should téll Kiku to updaté his shipping wâll."

* * *

Quirks:

Ivan- replaces 'o' with ф, 'a' with д.

Alfred- replaces 'e' with ē, 'a' with ā

Gilbert- replaces 's' with ß

Francis- replaces 'a' with â, 'e' with é

Quadrants (add http google dot com stuff and remove spaces)- url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjW4-fos9fSAhVk64MKHSJjDRcQFggaMAA&url=http%3A%2F% .com%2Fwiki%2FQuadrants&usg=AFQjCNHjSY8H-EWOCG4zJSXDz2QATKm1Fw&sig2=mnVslTKGM2qTCy8Dcp7T2g&bvm=bv.149397726,

Leave a review! It makes me happy! And will keep me in Hetalia!


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